Update

OK, I have 23 minutes to sum up between Christmas and now…

We had our first poker night on the Thursday between Christmas and New Year. Went out for a curry with David x2 and James x2 which was very civil and then went back to the Hankin residence in Southport for a spot of poker. Was a very good night, I really enjoyed it. I won the first game given that my final opponent was Joel, who came late and had already got out of the game once but was given six chips extra to give him something to do. The second game was a bit of a non-event given what time it was. My tactic of only playing when I knew I could win was fairly successful, although annoying to my brother. It worked so well that even when I knew I couldn’t possibly have a better hand (6 high!) than my opponent I still won! It was snowing when we left so a snowball fight in the street was called for.

New Years Eve was quite a good night too, considering. I wanted to go into town but we went to Boof’s party instead. We thought the plan was to go there for a bit and then go into town, but it was possibly a good job we stayed anyway given Dave was wearing trainers. Hopefully I’ll get some pictures at some point. James and James… crap… James Hankin and James McDonald both ended up wearing eye liner. James Mc looked quite scary when a girl’s black hoody and about 3/4inch of eye liner round each eye. And he did screem like a girl. Seeing as J Mc had won the Rock Paper Scissors meaning that it should be James H wearing the make-up, we thought it only fair he should wear some. Boof did an excellent job at lining up the opening and with about six of us pinning Jim to the floor Dave managed to scratch it into the skin under James’ eyes. And draw something a but ruder on his forehead. Don’t think I’ve laughed that much for a long time. Then we went for a burger, cause it would be rude not to.

James came round on New Years Day to pick up the phone he left in the back of the car but that was about it for that day.

I read the journal entry for 1st January 2005 I made in my written journal which lasted all of 24 days last year. I guess it was quite hopeful and optimistic. The song I decided on for a sound track to last year was “Things Will Go My Way” by The Calling. Despite the title, a lot of the lyrics are kind of hoping things will happen. People say that if you want something bad enough and you work hard for it then you’ll get it. I guess it’s a type of karma. And it’s a nice idea – people getting what they deserve. But sometimes things can’t happen. They just can’t. There’s something there that you just can’t influence enough, if at all. Sure, you have an idea, you make a plan, you work towards your goal as best you can, but there’s still one soddin’ door put in front of you that has more locks and bolts than every other door in the world put together. The application is there, just no reward.

Things didn’t go my way last year. I guess it would be unfair of me to say I had a crap year, cause I didn’t. It was just pretty much 365 days of nothingness. When I think of 2005, only three things come to mind where in the future I’ll say “That happened in 2005”. One was Liverpool winning the European Cup, another was England winning the Ashes for the first time in my living memory. The other was the dog dieing. Not one of those did I have a part in. I can’t really think of anything I learned. I’m no nearer a permanent job – I’m no nearer to knowing even what I want to do. Yes, I have a job, but I don’t know where it’s going. I can’t stay doing what I’m doing for the long term. It doesn’t have enough opportunity, or not enough that’s presented itself anyway. No-one else will even give me a chance. Surely I can’t be that poor a person, can’t be that ordinary. Having said that, even I struggle to think of something I can do that makes me stand out. Even a skill, like footy for example, rather than a personal attribute, I just can’t think of anything.

Honestly, sometimes you have to wonder whether it’s worth having goals. If you don’t have a goal, you can’t screw up. If you aim for the moon and land in the stars, then you’re just going to regret not getting that bit further. I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful. I realise I’m sat here in the comfort of a three bedroomed detached house that I rent off my parents with central heating, running water and electricity, typing away on a laptop in the manner I learnt by getting a great education while wearing the clothes I bought using money I’d earned from a job which certainly ain’t slavery. Just it’s human nature to better yourself and I just can’t help but think that this it for me. A moment happens and then it’s just gone. That’s it. That’s what happens, nothing you can do.

So here’s this year’s song – Green Day’s ultimate Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why.
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

And my 23 minutes turned into 46…

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