NOTE: It’s been a rubbish few weeks / months. It’s culminating. I’m tired and emotional. Now, please, read on!
So many words to write, I don’t know where to start. I had a very clear plan on Monday, and then something happened that meant it wasn’t the best idea. I then devised a plan just after midnight one night having gone for a drive to somewhere. I set off down my favourite driving road and was lucky that it was empty. I then just decided to drive until I didn’t want to any more and I ended up at a beach that I now understand to have been Crosby. I sat there and watched the lights in the dark, realising that what seemed to be random when I got there were actually marking the route for a boat to get out to sea. While I was there I came up with another plan.
I even set the start of the plan into motion. If I’m being honest, it’s taken me 64 minutes to type this far. I still want my plan to happen, but when it’s come down to it, what holds me back is having something to lose. The plan seems good and you resolve to follow it through. One way or another, you’re going to have an answer. But when the final step is there in front of you and you realise it’s not only the final step in your plan but possibly the final step of a bigger journey, it’s difficult.
You have something, let’s say a tub of chocolate ice cream. You like the chocolate ice cream but you’d rather have the Phish Food so you keep the chocolate in the freezer. The extra marshmallow bits take something good and make it better. You go to the shop to buy the Phish Food, but you realise you don’t have enough money to buy it. Then when you get back home you find that someone has taken your chocolate ice cream. That’s not a perfect analogy but it’s nearly there.
It feels like a self-perpetuating chain of events. There’s something there that is great and means a great deal to you, but if you try to make it better you’ll probably lose it, and do nothing and you’ll definitely lose it. In the back of my mind I keep hoping that the Phish Food will be put on special offer, a sign that it’s meant to be and to go out and get it. I really want to be given that chance because I back myself when I’m given the confidence to try. I hold on to that hope in ignorance of the common denominator of otherwise losing it.
I don’t know what to do. That amazing job interview. Knowing everything about something but how to fix it. That grand romantic gesture. Sometimes you can only go so far. There’s so much that can’t be influenced.
I know that there’s cliches about only regretting the things you don’t do, but in this situation I honestly think I would regret doing it. There’s other cliches about having to work for things, but sometimes you can feel like you’ve put absolutely everything in to it, but it’s not going to happen. And “if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be” doesn’t help either.
I can hear people telling me to go and get the Phish Food but I don’t want to risk leaving my freezer unattended.