To those who don’t know, I studied Law at university. One of the ways I could work on reaching a conclusion in any of the subjects was by keeping in mind the theory that the purpose of Law is to keep balance. This is most obvious when considering Contract Law which can seek to redress any loss on behalf of the claimant by way of restitution. Some could even apply it to Criminal Law, but this could get a bit murkier for those who believe in an eye for an eye.
That was a type of balance I could work out. Now, I realise there are bigger and more important issues in the world than mine. But sometimes people talk about Karma. So I’m going to write this on the understanding that there are people starving in the world, people who have lost love ones in wars etc. Comparable to that, my issues are nothing, but everyone has things that they would be happier without and sometimes it is hard to recognise your blessings. So this is how I’m feeling about my balance.
This year has sucked quite a lot. I struggle to look back at many days now (despite yesterday’s post) and say “that was a great day”. My mother has recently had a health scare but two weeks ago got positive test results that were great news, but that great news was redressing the balance of having the bad news that there was a problem in the first place. I was really looking forward to a day in July but I ended up crashing the car and in so doing put people other than myself in danger and cost myself about £1500.
My good days don’t seem to push me on. It’s like my end of the seesaw is in a hole and the pivot is only 2cm tall anyway and closer to the other end of the seesaw than mine, so when things feel bad I get pretty low. If something good happens it has to be massive just to redress my balance, and it can only lift me to just above the horizontal anyway.
At work we have this word “meritocracy”. I actually thought it was made up but I’ve heard it a few times since in other circumstances. It really means that you get what you deserve, and in the work sense means that if you go the extra mile you’ll get rewarded. The last bit is important when I say this – I’m feeling at the moment that I’m putting a load of work in (at work and my personal life) and load of effort in but have nothing to show. I review what I’m doing and I’m sure it’s the right thing. And that’s not saying that the whoever one believes in should give me something good but, if I use an example that hasn’t happened thankfully… When my parents go on holiday I look after their pet birds. Right at the moment I feel like I would go to feed the birds as a favour, and as I’m opening the avery the door will fall off in my hand and all the birds will escape. The parents will be upset because they have no birds and I’ll be upset that they’re upset. It’s like I’m being hit for trying to do the right thing.
This again relates back to my caveat earlier in this post – there could be a set of circumstances that are staggeringly normal for someone but really scary for others. Someone could have a lot of experience of a situation having done it many times before and knowing that it is possible to do it many times again but someone else might not have experienced those things and, in trying to, actually has to put in a lot of effort that isn’t always seen. And, again, I’m not saying that they should get the outcome just because of the effort, but at least a recognition of how big a deal it has been might help for understanding.
I’m someone who is relatively good and rationalising bad situations and working round them, but at the moment I am getting overwhelmed because both work and home are now where I would like them to be. I don’t want anything to be handed to me. I’m happy to work for it and want to learn the lessons from having to do so. I just wish that there could be a result that pushed me on rather than kept me level.