I thought I’d start my 2015 review with my top 5 posts of the year.
In fifth place, we have Symbol. This was a photo of a skeleton watch of great sentimental value to me. I saw it as a symbol because of how it is a physical embodiment of something intangible – time.
Fourth on the list is Eye Spy. This was a prompt about what your eyes say about you. My eyes have been through a lot recently and, actually, are probably a due a test.
Picking up the bronze is Futures Past. In this post I wrote about how career aspirations have changed over the course of my life.
First of the Losers was First Crush which pretty much did what it is says on the tin.
In first place for some reason unknown to myself is Tattoo… You. This post has nearly double the number of visits of second place and I can only assume (from the data) that it’s a search engine quirk. It was simply a post about what I would get if I got a tattoo. If you can’t be bothered clicking the link, it’s of a firework because of the Jimmy Eat World lyric “Here you can be anything, I think that scares you”.
It’s an interesting selection of posts and, a bit like horoscopes, with hindsight they could possibly be a fair reflection of my year. I look back at 2015 at the time of writing this post, which is being done over a few days between Christmas and New Year, and I can say that I haven’t much enjoyed 2015.
At the beginning of the year my uncle nearly died of pneumonia. The family dog passed away early in the year and my mother has also had health issues. My mother and uncle are thankfully OK now but I’m finding it hard to be grateful for something that simply redressed the balance. In July I had a day I was really looking forward to ruined by a car accident that was my fault and latterly I’ve been moved into a job I hate. Recently I’m feeling loss that I can’t entirely understand.
The truth is that I’ve hated 2015 primarily because of the reminders of good things. I actually had the best time.
A few weeks ago I watched the film Ex Machina. During one scene Ava asks Caleb what his favourite colour is. He eventually replies with something along the lines of him being a grown man and that he therefore does not have a favourite colour. Similarly for me it can feel a bit childish talking of best friends, but I saw in the year with some of mine while thinking about others.
I was in a job I was enjoying and making real progress. I learnt how to use array formulas in Excel!
I enjoyed my holiday in March and around the same time I enjoyed cat-sitting so much that I decided to get my own and Moo arrived in my life.
The calendar turned to June and I spent the evening of my birthday with my favourite people.
I got to eat in new places and my favourite places and I got to go to the theatre and the ballet and a book reading and I got to go to concerts and football matches and did day trips and I learnt to ice skate.
When I look back now, I miss small things that can be taken for granted.
In trying to tie my 5 top posts together, one of the book quotes I remember from this year comes to mind. It is from The Fault in Our Stars where Hazel speaks at Gus’ mock funeral about being grateful because he “gave [her] forever within the numbered days”.
I’ve seen things over the course of the numbered days of this year that have caused me to pause and re-assess what’s important and why things have happened. So maybe my firework is the most important part of the year and I don’t think I’m alone in this. I don’t feel that I can be anything but I do think I can be what I want to be, and that does scare me. I think other people also see barriers to what they want to be, and sometimes those barriers can be real and sometimes they’re not.
Logic makes new year’s resolutions a strange thing given that it is really just another change of day. However, I’m going to resolve to break down barriers even if I don’t know what’s on the other side.
Let’s take what hurts, and write it all down
On these paper walls, and this empty house.
And when our ink runs out, we’ll burn it to the ground.
Here I am, still holding on to this
Dream we had, won’t let go of it.
Paper Walls by Yellowcard