My Injury List

I’m beginning to get a reputation for my ability to pick up an injury. The whole thing is a little odd because I very rarely get sick, I’m just staggeringly adept at hurting myself. This came to mind whilst lying on a physio table at 7am the other morning when I was asked what might have triggered my latest round of back pain when I remembered various other old injuries.
1. The earliest injury I can remember was when I fell out some French windows at my grandparents’ house on to a metal plant pot and acquired the scar on my chin. I remember Dad bringing me in and applying some butterfly strips.
Injury Ouchiness: 6/10

booboo

2. In the kindergarten school playground there was a “ramp” possibly more accurately described as “a bit of a slope”. I sat down on it. Hard. I remember limping for a while with a sore hip and getting an X-ray for it.
Injury Ouchiness: 5/10

3. Another school playground incident, slipping on some mud and grating my entire body along a load of paving. Grazed forehead, nose, chin, hands, elbows and knees, as well as chipped tooth which has now been replaced.
Injury Ouchiness: 3/10

4. Whist playing cricket for the school team, I once offered to go as wicket keeper for the school’s fast bowler who was practising by bowling at a tree. The thing with trees is that they have roots, and this can create an uneven surface and what is known in the game as “uneven bounce”. This caused a rapidly moving lump of cork to hit my mouth pretty hard. I received an uber attractive fat lip and bruised gum, but lost no teeth. Although my cricket whites were rather heavily blood stained.
Injury Ouchiness: 4/10

5. I also broke my collar bone at school, playing football an hour before I was due to be playing a proper football match for the school team. Someone landed on top of me and while it hurt to start with, wasn’t too bad after that. The reason I stopped playing was actually a lack of power in the shoulder! Healed within 4 weeks.
Injury Ouchiness: 6/10

6. Playing football socially rather than at school, I once sprinted from one end of the pitch to the other twice before taking a corner kick.  Back in those days I prided myself on my fitness and ability to get around a pitch.  A bit of a chicken and egg situation in that I’m not sure if mis-kicking the ball injured my knee or my knee breaking made me mis-kick the ball.  Either way, my knee blew up and reminded a few people of The Elephant Man.
Injury Ouchiness: 5/10

7. Multiple instances of cuts and burns, the most amusing of which was cutting a frozen English muffin with a bread knife and not realising the final part of the resistance was caused by hand and not the frozen bread.
Injury Ouchiness: 2/10

thumbinjury

8. I remember aching after a football match and then struggling to do things like cough, get out bed or the car, walk…  The GP diagnosed a pulled groin.  I knew it wasn’t.  After 9 months a doctor who knew what he was talking diagnosed classic Gilmore’s Groin or Sports Hernia.  Given how long it took to diagnose it had virtually healed, but I did nearly punch the doctor in the mouth when he tested for it – my testicles still disappear even now when I think of the phrase “inverted scrotum”.
Injury Ouchiness: 8/10

9. One mountain bike ride, I went down a steep slope, braked too hard on the front wheel, braked very hard on the back wheel to compensate and ended up still going over the handlebars and sliding down the rest of the slope with the bike lying on top of me.  Suffered cuts and bruises as got very lightheaded as my heart rate fell from 150-something to 28bpm in less than 90 seconds.
Injury Ouchiness: 5/10

10. In the middle of the night I decided I needed to use the bathroom, so walked down the stairs in the dark and stood on an upturned plug.  I turned the air a lovely shade of blue!  It’s a good job I live on my own in a detached house!  It bled a lot and the irritating thing was that it really hurt when I walked and I had a date and a football match to play in the few days afterwards.
Injury Ouchiness: 7/10

11. Kicked a lamppost in frustration at a car accident and ended up in A&E.  Not proud.  Still very embarrassed.
Injury Ouchiness: 8/10

toe injury

12. This persistent back injury, possibly caused by a misstep on the bottom step of my staircase and falling over on to both knees and one hand whilst ensuring I dropped precisely zero breakfast. Consistently diagnosed as Instability Back Pain caused by lack of core strength and flexibility, despite the fact it first started when I was in the best shape of my life and it keeps recurring despite each physio telling me how impressed they are with my increased core strength and flexibility. Frustrating. And at its worst…
Injury Ouchiness: 10/10

Honorable mention: Not really an injury in the same sense of the above, but I once developed in an infected cyst on my back that need draining as an emergency in A&E.  When he did, the doctor got some of what was in the cyst in his eye.  I hope he’s OK.  “Getting my hole filled” by a nurse everyday (it needs to heal from the bottom up due to the cavity that is left) was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life.
Injury Ouchiness: 9/10

 

I am outside
And I’ve been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Yeah
‘Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
‘Cause we just wanna be whole

Lock the doors
Cause I’d like to capture this voice
That came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
I’ll show myself it wasn’t forged
We’re at war
We live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

‘Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
‘Cause we just wanna be whole

Tower over me
Tower over me

And I’ll take the truth at any cost

‘Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
‘Cause we just wanna be whole

We Are Broken by Paramore

Comments 8

  1. Fantastic post…the one exception…10/10 gross-out factor for the back-cyst/squirt in the eye finale 🙂

  2. Marianne

    Great post. Could’ve used that invisible boo-boo chart a few times raising my chitlins. Hope I pulled it off okay without it. 🙂 Marianne

    • It’s a good one isn’t it?! I’d never heard of the word “chitlin”

    • It’s good, isn’t it?! I’d never heard of the word “chitlin” before…

  3. Lovely post! I think many people have that chin scar, seems to be a life requisite! 🙂

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