This week has been an interesting one for me, because it’s been a week of first time feels.
In previous posts I’ve mentioned that I’m not one for Bucket Lists. My line of thinking is summed up in a film I watched the other night called Two Night Stand, which falls neatly in to the stereotypical chick flick genre of boy meets girl, things go well (ish!), things go wrong, grand romantic gesture, happily ever after. I enjoyed it!
Megan and Alec were sat in bed and he was talking about ambition:
Ambition is such a bullshit. Seriously, it’s just chasing vapour. Like, whatever it is that you think that you need, that job or that gold star, a blue ribbon, fancy desk, nice office… Like once you get that, you’re gonna be confused because you’re not gonna be as happy as you thought you were gonna be.
Then you’re gonna be sitting there being, like “Why aren’t I happy? I have this, I got the desk”.
Because, man, there’s another desk. There’s always gonna be something more that your ambition is telling you that you need. So it’s the next thing, then when you get that, there’s another thing. It’s an endless cycle.
I think the dialogue was a bit closed off, because I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to have ambition, but some people can be so caught up in striving for things in the future that they forget to be happy now.
That’s all stuff I’ve spoken about before, as is the fact that some people think I lack any kind of ambition whatsoever. I’ve never considered myself to be unambitious. I’ve always said that I’m just happy with my lot at that point in time and don’t feel the urge to have to compromise that by chasing something I know nothing about.
I read “Getting By” at The Gad About Town a few days ago, and Mark was speaking about people “pulling a geographic” – of moving location partly (but not entirely) to run away from troubles but also to take advantage of new opportunities as a way of finding success because of the need to get things like new jobs inherent with such a move. (I hope I read that correctly, Mark!)
The scary thing to the constant mover, that challenge that they might not see while suggesting to the world that they can make it anywhere, is that they rarely prove that they can make it completely in the place they are now. They prove that they can set-up and start, but I wonder how much they prove that they can finish?
I’ve been the opposite. I’ve always seen plenty of opportunity where I am (rightly or wrongly). However, for the first time this week I’ve felt the need to change. I was sat in the office realising that, not only do I dislike pretty much everything about the job I’m doing at the moment, but it is actually now affecting how I enjoy my life outside of work.
I’m very much a “work to live” person, so long as I was learning some things, contributing and getting paid to a certain level, I was happy. I don’t need to tell people that I have a certain job title and I never wanted to be one of those people who, when asked to “tell me something about yourself” would start with their job.
I would go in to work, do what needed to be done, go home and do the stuff I liked doing. Right now, I go in to the office and get a mixture of bored and frustrated caused by what feels like a regression of my job role and a lack of belief in what I’m doing (from me, not the business I work for). My last two great ideas have also been given to other people to implement, and they’ve failed to do so, which is really annoying in every way. Those emotions are so strong that it preys on my mind when I get out of work, and that’s a fairly fundamental no-no to me.
So now I’m approaching opportunity to change and I don’t know what to do! I work in a fairly niche area and have been debating having a complete change. I kind of know what I want to get in to, but not how to do it. Unfortunately there seems to be that never ending cycle of needing experience to be able to get experience. It’s very much an interview answer, but I want a job with people where I can help them with something, and I’d like to be able to create and use my imagination while I do so. Not so easy for someone with a degree in Law and a job history in Data Management!
It’s pretty scary to me to feel this need to move and to change. But it’s also reassuring, because it confirms what I’ve always thought that I have been happy and that a change would simply have been for the sake of it and I’ve never really been convinced that “I can, so I should” is a sound reason to do anything.
There’ll be a few posts next week that my say otherwise, but for the first time, and not that this has bothered me in the past, I actually had confirmation that I’m correctly understanding my emotions, if that makes sense?!
This is the story of your life
How the rest is gonna read
This is your chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy you leave
This is the story of your life
And it’s a story worth telling
The Story Of Your Life by Matthew West