Life’s Instruction Book Chapter 3 : Anger

This will probably be the third and final installment of this mini-series explaining my understanding of what I’d been feeling and how to deal with it.  The first and second parts are here and here.  To be honest, my Kubler Ross Curve appears to be a little screwed with one phase or another coming out of place.  I had the shock and depression almost immediately, never really had denial (oh, maybe I did, but it was fleeting) and then bargaining arrived at the same time as being angry, which is the emotion that’s stopping me getting to acceptance.

I’ve wanted to understand what I should be feeling because, for the first time over the last week or so, I’ve been feeling angry about the situation and at the person in question.  I can only think of three times in my life that I’ve been genuinely angry, and I hate it.  I am really not proud of some of the things I listed below that I feel angry about.

I wrote a good 1500 words on the things I was angry about, but they won’t really help and probably don’t need to be shared publically.  They are emotional, but revolve mainly around a certain amount of hypocrisy and how poorly she managed the situation when I thought I deserved better, even if that meant she had to take some pain.  Sometimes I’m also angry about some of the things that I’m angry about.

However, I also feel angry at myself that I still f*cking care, not just about the situation, but about her.  I want her to know that that’s not how things should be done.  I’m partly angry with myself that I fell for it, but my personality is well suited to how she treated me and it’s how we knitted together.  I want her not to do what she did to me to other people that she cares about.  I want her to know that that wasn’t OK and it wasn’t well done, it was the exact opposite – it was one of the worst things she could have done in the absolute worst way because it’s made me doubt so much about myself and my interactions with other people because she picked holes in absolutely fundamental traits of not just my existance, but that of all decent, kind and caring people.

And that’s kind of the point of these posts in a long, roundabout way.  She destroyed things so important to the way I live and not just because of how it affected her, but she said it in such a way that everything I did would be wrong for everyone.

When I’m angry, I assume that the book has a section that details how you should be a good friend, because I don’t know any other way to do it than the ways that apparently hurt people.  I think that the book must have an appendix that says even if someone makes your life better, when you’re done with them or find a better model, it’s OK to destroy their lives and cast them aside.

What I wish the book has is a section saying that being a friend carries some responsibility.  The thing I find hardest is understanding how my friend finished by saying I made her life better by everything I did, and yet it hurt her and burdened her to the extent that she felt the need to build up my feelings just to tear them apart.  It makes me angry that I can’t tell her that and that no-one else can.

Above all, I’m angry with myself that, just like in my dreams, I make up events and jump to conclusions whereby I think she still cares and that I can get my friend back.  I’m angry with myself that I still want my friend back.  That’s why I think it’s the anger that’s stopping me from getting to acceptance.

Time will change you
Nothing lasts forever more
Tomorrow’s all we’re living for
And lights will blind you
Illusions keep you wanting me
Just look past revolving doors
To find what’s real

Dear life, am I doing this right?
Can you see me tonight?
Can you help me dear life?
And I know that I can’t understand
What you hold in your hands for me
Dear life

Love will change you
No matter if you stay with them
You’ll never be the same again
You’ve shown me magic
Highs I’ve never felt before
Memories that I thank you for
From deep in my soul

Dear life, am I doing this right?
Can you see me tonight?
Can you help me dear life?
And I know that I can’t understand
What you hold in your hands for me
Dear life

I’m a survivor
I’m a survivor
I’m a survivor
Dear life

Sometimes it hurts you
Maybe it’s a lesson learned
To bring my feet back to this Earth
To find what’s real

Dear life, am I doing this right?
Can you see me tonight?
Can you help me dear life?
And I know that I can’t understand
What you hold in your hands for me
Dear life

I’m a survivor
I’m a survivor
I’m a survivor
Dear life
Dear life

Dear Life by Delta Goodrem


I just want to add something here.  These types of posts have been dotted round my blog for a few months now.  This hasn’t been the happiest time of my life.  I’ve been talking to people in person and being able to “talk” to people via this medium has been quite useful for me to get thoughts together.  I didn’t need to publish these, but I guess I was still looking for help.  I didn’t really need to publish any of them.  However, getting some comments and reassurances has been helpful, so thank you.  Genuinely.

I’m still working.  I’m still trying to understand.  As I said above, I’m still missing and I’m still bereft.  I still want to be there for my friend.  The other day someone that I follow on one of my Twitter accounts retweeted a picture of her, and it broke my heart a little more that I can’t ask her how she is or take her out for a cup of tea.

As such, I can’t say there won’t be more of these posts, but there probably won’t be many quite as direct.

Comments 7

  1. Perhaps the fact that you continue to process and work through the pain will be a trigger for being proud of yourself…we can give others so much credit for defining our worth, and–as you so eloquently point out–this is a blind-siding consequence of trusting another who builds us up and makes us feel valuable. I think that, incorporated in ‘acceptance’ is a huge measure of forgiveness…and, forgiving ourselves….having compassion for ourselves…can be a daunting task…but, well worth the journey. It feels so right to give someone so much credit for defining our value, but we forget that they are not the boss of the world…they are not the paragons of defining worth….she is but one person….a flawed person who cannot be expected to have all the answers….she–as do we all–has baggage…..unfortunately, it sounds like she dumped some of it at your feet, and, being the kind and considerate soul that you are, you’ve picked it up and have found it to be back (and heart) breaking labour. You know she is wrong about you…and maybe on some levels you don’t….it would be wonderful if she were to realize the extent of the harm she has caused you, but, the fact that she–either hasn’t. or has but won’t admit it to you–has resulted in you working through this painful life lesson….you know who you are….losing a friend can be so very, excruciatingly painful….but, for what it’s worth, I think that the courage and sensitivity and authenticity and tenacity and intelligence you are bringing to the process of trying to free yourself is an exercise in being your own best friend…a friend who will never leave you and who will always be invested in your best interest….a best friend who will always find a way to focus on all the ways you are absolutely amazing ….and, you are! 🙂

    • Hey Truly, thanks for your encouragement again. I’m getting there, it’s just sometimes useful to verbalise everything!

  2. Liberty Henwick

    I see you’ve moved from Kindness to Guilt to Anger! Your thoughts are so honestly and vividly portrayed, feels odd to say I have enjoyed reading them when you are describing something that has been painful for you. There is one phrase you’ve repeated from your previous blogs on the topics about how you apparently hurt people through your endeavours to be a friend that has made me wonder. Is that the feedback you were given from this girl who hurt you or is it based on your view of this as well as other relationships? If it is just her then, with the person who commented above, I agree that this is only one person’s opinion and not necessarily the truth. So I hope your process leads you next to the truth and ultimately to forgiveness and release.

    • Hey Liberty. That bit you picked up has been the hardest part for me because the person in question said that she provided my self-worth because I was able to help her and that it wasn’t fair to ask one person / someone else to provide my self-worth. So it was just her, but it had me doubting what I was doing to other people when I helped.

      Actually, after your comment yesterday, I looked something up again and found something very interesting and very useful for me. So thank you. I’ll post about it in a few days!

  3. Hey! I’ve really enjoyed reading this “saga”. I think it was really well written and you’ve been able to clearly communicate us what happened and how you feel in a way that is not too gloomy, despite the circumstances. I’m sorry to hear about the way this girl treated you though, I’ve been through a few shitty friendships “breakups” too, a really bad one in the past year even, and I can relate to the way you feel about the situation. Was interesting that you mention the gaslighting effect (didn’t know it had a name!), ’cause it happened to me too. But in the end you just have to believe in yourself and remind you that you didn’t do anything wrong. From what I read this girl is a bitch. Sorry. I totally understand that you have feelings for her and would be happy if it was possible to find a way to fix things. I’m often guilty of that kind of thinking too. And especially since you’ve spent 2 years of your life investing in this friendship, is normal for you to want that. But sometimes we need to take a step back and look at things with new eyes, so we can realize that maybe those people are not worth it and can try to move on. It sounds like it was a one way relationship, she would try to take all you had to give without giving you anything in return, and at the end tried to justify it saying that she was giving you “your self-worth”. What a bunch of BS. She’s the one that took advantage of the situation because you’re a nice guy that went the extra mile (even literally) for her. So don’t feel too bad about what she said, cause she’s clearly the one that needs a reality check. You’ve been a good friend and she proved, especially at the end, that she wasn’t. It’s not gonna be easy, but from what I’ve read I think your moving in the right direction! Hope to read a “Life’s instruction book: acceptance” post soon 🙂

    • Hey! Thanks for everything you’ve said! But likewise sorry to hear that it’s happened to you too. These posts have made me feel better actually, especially with one that’s still in draft at the moment (about gaslighting specifically) but will come at the start of the week maybe. I think I now understand things which helps a lot because, however much someone tells me I haven’t done anything wrong, I need to know why! That’s just me. The “Acceptance” post is already in draft too, but I’m not quite ready for it just yet!

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