Memories And Feels

Hey, how’s things?

This post was going to be a video.  I set up the camera and everything.  I liked the idea of more physically being able to share a brew with you and have a chat.

Alas, I need at least one if not all of a sun tan, make-up artist and decent lighting.  I’ve tried a few rooms in the house and faced a number of walls but can’t find a view that I’m happy with.  I’ve even hung white sheets over windows to soften the light and bounced high powered torches off white walls, but to no avail.

I still have some ideas so it might happen yet.  We’ll see.

But for now, please assume that I’m writing these “coffee share” posts with minimum thought and editing.  They are pretty much a brain dump.

I promised myself after I wrote my series of Life’s Instruction Book posts (Kindness, Guilt, Anger) that I’d stop writing about the person who provoked them, and that set of circumstances.  Well, I promised myself just one more post, and that would be the “Acceptance” one.

However, I don’t know whether it’s just because it’s been an emotional week being the birthday week and all that, but I’ve been finding myself being caught unawares by memories and feels.  I was speaking to a colleague at work on Tuesday lunchtime and had to ask what day it was.  (Yeah, it was that kinda week!)  As I did I suddenly got a flash back to when me and Instruction Book Girl went to see Wicked at the theatre.  I can’t remember when we went but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a year ago to the day.

The other thing that’s a little bit strange is that I’ve been getting a feeling that everything is OK between us.  I was in a meeting on Friday morning when my brain got sidetracked and went “Oh, it’s Friday.  We get to go to ***’s for takeaway tonight,” and it seemed the most natural thing.

I got a film for my birthday, and I thought that I’d take that round so that we could watch it together.  I thought we could try some new tea too.

It didn’t feel like it’s something that hasn’t happened since December and, perhaps more importantly than what it didn’t feel like, it felt like everything was normal.  It felt like I would still beat her to her place after work, let myself in and give her cat her dinner and talk about our days and decide what we were going to do that night.

Last night I actually had a dream about her again too.  We were in a hotel room getting ready to go out and she was wearing a black and white cropped top and a long dark maroon skirt.  She came out the bathroom and smiled at me.  I wake up disappointed and then start hoping that it might be a prophecy dream and then wonder if I should really be hoping that!

I know that sounds weird, and it’s a hard thing to explain.  I don’t think I’ll call it acceptance because I still miss her.  This is the wrong term as well, but I read somewhere that you don’t ever truly get over your first love.  While we weren’t in a romantic relationship, she’s the first person that I’ve felt so strongly about who I won’t see again but who hasn’t died.

In my final counselling session, I remember saying to Nicola (my amazing counsellor) that I kind of wanted to send Instruction Book Girl a message and say “It’s OK, I finally get it, I understand! Now can we sort it out?”

But this is why I also can’t write acceptance yet.  Because subconsciously some part of me is thinking that things aren’t final and I’m not sure that that’s good for me, especially when I realise that all these flashbacks and memories don’t mean much.

So what else happened this week anyway?  I got to use the word etiquettical.  It’s an adjective meaning “relating to etiquette; observing or prescribed by etiquette”.

We also got to vote in a referendum to leave the European Union.  The Leavers won, which I think is a terrible decision.  I wrote a few posts on why I didn’t think it should have been a referendum at all, why I would voting Remain, and my initial reaction to it all.  It’s the first time I’ve been genuinely disappointed by a political decision, but the people have spoken.

Last thing on Friday I was also offered a new position at work.  Normally I would jump at the chance, but it’s another sideways move doing kind of the job that I was doing three years ago when the company made it redundant.  It’ll be working largely on my own and reporting to someone in America.  The issue is that the alternative is the job I’m in getting made redundant!

It’s been a strange week of memories and feels.

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
‘Till I see my Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin’ away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
‘Till I see Marianne walk away
I see my Marianne walkin’ away

When I’m tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away

It’s more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
‘Till I see Marianne walk away

More Than A Feeling by Boston

Comments 3

  1. Eleanor Parks

    Love the word “etiquettical”! I shall save it amongst my words to use on those I feel shall be genuinely flummoxed by the use of brilliant language! 😉

    • It’s a good one, but staggeringly difficult to get in to casual conversation!

    • Ersie Courea

      Know what you mean. My favourite book title is Hideous Kinky.

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