Randy Ratty And His Fancy Pants

In an line of study that a layman can probably only describe as one pretending to be real science, a posthumous award has been given for a study in to the effect of rats wearing trousers.

Egyptian urologist Ahmed Shafik was awarded an Ig Nobel and a $10tn Zimbabwean bill for his research in to the effect that wearing trousers had on the sex life of male rats.


Dr Shafik made pants that covered the rat’s hind legs but had a hole for their tale.  He made the trousers from various cloths: 100% polyester, 50/50% polyester/cotton, all cotton and all wool.  For the main part of the study, Dr Shafik then checked the effect of each material on the rat’s sex life.

My first reaction was that one of the main limiting factors is surely the rat’s ability to take his trousers off.  Ratty is getting in the mood and retires to the bedroom with the object of his affections, or at least his lust.  The mood builds and they pause briefly to look in to each others eyes – a quiet confirmation that sh*t is about to get real.

“Oh, for f*ck sake, what am I supposed to do with these b*stard f*cking pants? My arms aren’t even really long enough to even f*cking reach them! Here, help us out of them, will ya?”

“Argh, he’s tied a f*cking knot in the back! I’ll see if I can chew through it…”


“Bleurgh, these taste awful! Have you peed in them?”

“Well yes, I can’t take the f*cking things off, can I?!”

“You know what? I’m not in the mood anymore.  If you can take them off you’re going to have to take care of yourself tonight.”

Apparently, for those interested, rats in polyester pants got less action.  Dr Shafik measured “the electrostatic potentials generated on penis and scrotum” and there’s a theory that this is why natural fibres make better pants.  He even suggested that a polyester bollock hammock could be an effective male contraceptive possibly by raising testicular temperatures (as measured by the “rectal-testicular temperature difference”).

There was no news about female rats wearing race lacies and I’m going to think twice before finally wearing my glittery skull underpants.


Moo doesn’t mind using them for sits though.


I feel like I should explain.  I needed new underpants.  I bought a “selection box” in a sale where you told them your size and they sent you a selection, so I didn’t choose these.  You’ll notice they still have the tag on.  I can’t help but think the glitter might get in to places that glitter shouldn’t really go. *Tries to think of a reason glitter should go there.*

Anyway, back on track…

While it seems like a bit of a stupid study, how could we possibly learn anything by not doing something stupid?  The point about this award is that it’s not about the award or the money (all of about 75p or 40 US cents).  It’s about celebrating the creativity of people to go out and learn and improve.  That really is worth rewarding.

Play our love’s theme tonight
My love’s here, it’s no dream tonight
It”s been so long
Since we’ve danced to our love song
I know the melody that made him mine
Will be the melody that keeps him close to me (love’s theme)

Play our love’s theme once more
Make him feel, like he felt before
While the lights are low
Please, let the music flow
I know that the melody that made him mine
Will be the melody that keeps him close to me (love’s theme)

Play our love’s theme again
Touch his heart, touch his soul and then
Once we sip the wine
His lips will come to mine
I know that the melody that made him mine
Will be the melody that keeps him close to me
Love’s theme…

Love’s Theme by Barry White


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