Yesterday I alluded to the fact I was feeling optimistic about something and that that was bad for me because it is usually a sign of my imminent crushing disappointment.
Alas, barely 12 hours after the post, my mental construction of a new source of happiness came crashing down in a barrage of head hanging, swearing, moaning and sadness. I didn’t expect it to be quite so quick!
I was in a pretty good mood this morning. Sure, I got up late but my new superfast hairdryer and no need to shave quickly pulled me back on track so that I could enjoy my coffee in front of the news for 10 minutes. As per my usual weekday schedule, washing and making myself presentable should finish at 7.40. This gives me 10 minutes of sitting down / playing with the cat till 7.50 before 10 minutes of ironing and getting dressed to leave the house shortly after 8.
Moo had had his tummy tickles and I’d ironed the sleeves and back of my shirt when, all of a sudden, the TV and iron turned off simultaneously.
“Lovely,” I thought, “a power cut”.
I dug one of my contingency shirts out of another wardrobe (one of the shirts I don’t really like but still keep “just in case”) and walked back to my bedroom to get dressed to find the lights on. And, indeed, the lights worked in all the rooms in the house, but no plug sockets did.
Figuring it would be a fuse, I went to the fuse box to find the switch pointing in the opposite direction, but there wasn’t one. Moo came to help but was more of a hindrance when he thought it might be fun to disappear in to the wall cavity.
“OK, there’s a big switch in the middle of the fuse box, I’m going to flick it.” I did, and heard everything turn on again. Hoorah! I still have no idea why it is set in a different direction to all the fuses but, given I now had power, I wasn’t going to complain too much.
I finished ironing my shirt, gave Moo his usual 5 Dreamies (two of which he lost under the TV cabinet and couch) and got in the car 30 minutes late. I don’t know why it took that long either.
As always when you’re running late, you get stuck behind slow moving traffic. There’s a hill on my to work which lorries always struggle up, so when you have three lorries in convoy it’s an even bigger issue meaning that the traffic behind them was actually stopped while they tried to get up and over the other side.
I arrived in work and turned on the computer to find out that nothing is simple. One request requires me to jump through four of five (seemingly needless) hoops (which don’t need to be there if people could just be helpful). Some people can’t do one thing until something else is done and they can’t do that because they need something else to happen, except they don’t really need all that stuff, they could just help. Cue more head in hands.
Then the other things happened to just to add insult to injury.
I’m not sure I believe in karma or simply getting what you deserve, but I’m beginning to think that I must have been a particularly irksome individual in a past life (not that I particularly believe in resurrection either). I remember a few years ago when some things were going wrong, a friend told me that, some day, I was due some amazing luck. I know everything I whinge about is a very first world problem, but I kinda wish that I could cash in some of that good favour sooner rather than later.
One thing that triggered yesterday’s thoughts was a conversation I was having with a friend who made certain things seem so easy. He was even self-deprecating in suggesting that sometimes he just takes what he can get, but that he could get it nonetheless.
You know, though, when you try really hard and something doesn’t happen and you have someone suggest that maybe you’re trying too hard? Well I’ve even stopped trying and I’ve tried an abundance of different ways and methods, but still absolutely nothing happens. And I compare myself and, not that I would ever put people’s success down (certainly not in certain fields), but I do sometimes think what they must have that I don’t to not get the opportunities that they do.
That last point sounds like I’m full of myself. It’s not meant to. And, like I said yesterday, this isn’t about self-worth or self-confidence; I know what I have to offer. It just appears that it’s not what anyone wants and that’s not a great feeling, especially when you start to think the other way just to get your hopes dashed.
Love in, love out, find the feeling
Scream in, scream out, time for healing
You feel the moments gone too soon,
You’re watching clouds come over you.
Torn in two,
You close your eyes for some place new,
Torn in two
And I feel it’s going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
I’m waiting for your healing hand,
One touch could bring me round,
I feel we’re going down,
Ten feet below the ground,
It’s just the way I’m feeling
Glow in, burn out,
Lost the feeling
Bruise in, you bruise out,
Nurse the bleeding
Torn in two,
Each time we bruise
Yeah yeah, it’s just the way I’m feeling
Two different views,
As words confuse and break
I can’t get out,
There’s no way out of here,
I can’t get clear.
Love in, love out
Find the feeling.
Just The Way I’m Feeling by Feeder