Year In Review 2016 : Me, Part 1

I know a lot of people are saying that 2016 has been a horrible year on the basis of the number of famous people who have passed away.  I haven’t seen the figures to find out whether there has been an unusual number of deaths this year or whether singers and actors have just reached the end of their journeys all at once but, for me, 2016 has been the worst year of my life for other reasons.

Everything was teed up in December of 2015.  Someone who was my best friend was in the process of, for want of a better phrase, dumping me and my brother and his girlfriend of a long time had also split up.  Within the space of a week I felt that I’d lost the two most important people in my life who weren’t strictly family and I was struggling.

On New Year’s Day 2016, I cracked and ended up going to Samaritans because I needed to talk to someone.  My mother was ill and was admitted to hospital days later, my brother was obviously going through what he was going through and my Dad was also struggling because he thought it might well be the last Christmas with his Dad.

On top of the personal problems, I knew at the time that the team I’d worked with for years were going to lose their jobs and that I was working on the project that was going to make that possible.  It may not have been my fault, but I was certainly facilitating it.

I felt more isolated than I’ve ever felt and the nature of how my friend was dealing with me made me feel insignificant.  The irony of the latter is that is that she felt she provided my self-worth.  She didn’t, but in doing what she did the way she did it she made me think that those things I found important and those values I lived by were wrong.

It wasn’t like being dumped out of a romantic relationship where things just weren’t working for the long term.  But then it was strange because friends don’t go through a process like we went through in the end.  You don’t run a conversation with a friend about being friends but present facts including “whenever I’m out with other guys I’m thinking of you” and “you can’t be my boyfriend because you won’t move to Canada with me”.

I’m someone who needs to understand, and I hate it when I don’t.  Samaritans put me on to Relate and I had a number of sessions with one of their counsellors.  I’d also joined the waiting list for another counselling service at Yewdale, where I spent an hour a week speaking to Nicola.  I don’t know how I’d have got through the year without her, and I’m still sorry that my story made her cry too!

I’ve written a lot on this blog over the last year where I wanted to document my thoughts.  In typing them, I could think.  One of the things I did was write a trilogy of “Life’s Instruction Book” posts, dealing with my feelings about the whole thing and specifically Guilt and Anger.  Acceptance is still in draft because I’m still not quite sure what constitutes acceptance in this circumstance.

I was always able to accept the situation between us when we were friends for reasons I’ll talk about tomorrow (not directly) and can accept the situation she is in now.  The problem I have is that having thought long and hard about everything and spoken through it with professionals and friends to the extent that I would even start playing Devil’s advocate, there are two logical conclusions to come to.  Both of them leave me wanting to do something else.  Neither provide closure.

I don’t know if it’s you that still reads this.  I know you last checked in on that train up to your course in Scotland.  The question that I keep asking myself on the way to acceptance is, “What would you do if she said she wanted to talk to you?”  The answer is that I’d want to talk to you too.  It’s nothing about everything you said or what I said when things were hard, but the fact I still miss my friend.

What you hold makes you fall
When the tides won’t let you come around,
Break your back
It’s all out of fear

Wait in line to the ropes
to the ropes
to the ropes
you go

It starts with an end

No sign of war
Break down your door
Lookin for truth
It’s gallows are calling you

Stealing the cracks
in which you’re held by
You’re tied to the mast
to the mast
Your life and death in a flash

Cause it starts with an end
Start with an end
Starts with an end….

To all the sentries
We’re born from the fall
We’re punching our

To all the heirs
To all of the sentries

With the dust and the ghosts
We wither and fall like leaves

Starts With An End by Sound Of Guns

 

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