Hello, if we were having a coffee, I guess mine would need to be a strong one. Time for an honest chat, I suppose.
If you’re a regular reader, you might have seen that I haven’t been around the online world for a while. I don’t feel that I’m myself at the moment and I don’t really know why. You’ll know that I complain about being tired and shy of motivation. That hasn’t changed.
I guess what has changed is how low I’ve been feeling alongside it and I can’t really put my finger on why. It comes and goes, but the last time I felt as low as I had done there were some extremely obvious triggers (that all happened at the same time). None of those have happened.
To try to explain it, take my usual day. I set an alarm for 6am with the intention of getting up and doing some exercise. I’ll snooze it every 8 minutes until around 7ish. I’ll get up and start getting ready for work. That’ll include forgoing a shave because I now don’t have time, especially when I have to sit there doing nothing but not wanting to go to work at all.
It’s not just a general “not wanting to go to work” either. Not a general “would rather be doing something else fun and exciting.” I really don’t want to go to work. I’m not sure if I’d call it a panic attack, or anxiety or any of those things. I just don’t want to go, but I eventually force myself to.
I sit there with no interest until something becomes important and urgent. Despite the lack of interest, I’m never really in a rush to leave. I get home and I know I’ve got housework to do but, well, what’s the point?
Work strangeness culminated the other Friday as I was leaving and I just felt sad. Really sad. It felt like a really strange emotion to have though cause again, no trigger. I was “lucid” (I’m sure that’s not the word I’m searching for) enough to recognise how I was feeling to be able to look for reasons.
The only thing I can find that might be the reason to how I feel – but, again, can’t work out why they’re happening – is I keep getting memories of things. Probably in self-deprecating fashion I struggle to say that I had depression around 4 years ago but when that episode began I was deeply missing things. Time passed and I have had occasional “flashbacks” of those things.
This time, those things have been relentless, to the extent that I’m also dreaming about them again. I woke up from one dream on Friday where I was going on this dangerous and risky expedition with Moo (my cat). It was down this tunnel with lots of mud. Moo led the way but as we got to unchartered territory (as we thought it was) we actually got to a hotel on the side of lake where lots of people were, including ones I haven’t spoken to for a long time.
But it’s not just those big things that I’ve been remembering. There’s little things too that I would have thought of as inconsequential at the time. All of the things (the big and the little) were things that I really enjoyed but which don’t happen anymore. In the most part, all those things have been replaced. I say “replaced” in the context of doing other things I enjoy with the time that became available to me rather than necessarily direct, like for like replacements.
I still miss those things, but back then I felt that my happiness was dependent on the big things and it hadn’t been for such a long time. I have been happy. That’s why it’s surprising me a little that these things are creeping back as my mood has been changing.
I was trying to think of an analogy to explain how it feels, and I can’t get anything that works perfectly. Say you have this favourite bar or pub. The atmosphere is great, there’s a wide range of drinks at affordable prices, the food is lovely and the company is even better. However, one night the bloke on the door mistakes you for someone else and you end up barred for life.
You’re disappointed but find another pub. The atmosphere is great, there’s a wide range of drinks at affordable prices, the food is lovely and the company is even better. You’re quite happy but, one night as you’re walking to the bathroom, you see something. I know not what, but for the purpose of this analogy, let’s call it a flier for a pub crawl that takes you back to your old place where you remember you also had fun. You don’t need the old pub, but you know it’s there and you would like to go.
I’ve said before that a few of the worst things you can have, as well as the best, are hope and a chance – a possibility, and everything’s possible, right? Maybe I still haven’t learnt to deal with impossibility.
On a far more practical note, I had two weeks off work about a month ago. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I was in a good place after those two weeks and my motivation and whatever else has gone down hill since. I’ve been spending a lot of time over the last week or so looking for jobs to apply for, but I find that depressing in itself for two reasons. The first is that I still don’t know what I want to do but what I’m doing now has somewhat put me in to a niche I can’t work out how to escape, and it has very limited options. The other reason is that my track record at things I have to audition for is still pretty bad, so I’m lacking a bit of confidence.
That’s pretty much it. I don’t like doing posts like this anymore. I said I wouldn’t do them, but this my catharsis. The blog was a way for me to think about things by turning them in to words. I tried to make it a proper blog but in lieu of that, this is what you get when I need it, dear reader! I hope it won’t become a regular thing again because that will mean I have a plan and I can see clearly again.
I hope that your two weeks has been as fun and as eventful as you’ve wanted it to be. Until next time…